


Behind Their Eyes

by buckychrist



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Soulmate AU, Suicidal Thoughts, mentions of dying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-29
Updated: 2018-12-03
Packaged: 2019-09-02 01:23:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16776802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buckychrist/pseuds/buckychrist
Summary: Bucky can’t remember life before Hydra, and he isn’t sure about life after it either. It isn’t until a little voice appears inside his head that he begins to find himself again.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ima let you know that i didn't give a FUCK about yours or my feelings when I wrote this.

**Why me?**

It was a fair question, and really the only one that had been running through Bucky’s head.

It was evening, the alley that he was residing in cold and unforgiving. A few hours prior, he came to find out that he was not the person he had thought he was. The man from the bridge had returned in full force, and with just the reciting of a few words, Bucky was brought back from the nightmare he had been trapped in. Without memories of his life before Hydra, or a place to go, Bucky was stuck in this dead end alley, sitting on the wet ground next to the dumpster. The smell was putrid and made him nauseous for a while, but he had grown used to it in his time there. His hair wasn’t wet anymore, but it was still slightly damp, sticking to his head.

What was he to do? The only thing he knew about himself was his name and that he knew a person named Steve, who, last time he checked, was lying at the edge of the water they had fallen in when the helicarrier plunged from the sky. That was almost nothing. What was he supposed to do with that information?

 **Where am I supposed to go?** He asked himself. **Where is there a place for a man who’s out of his time, and who spent the last seventy years as a deadly assassin?**

A chill ran up his back, sending a shiver rippling through his body. The first thing he needed was shelter, and probably food. Definitely new clothes. He laughed at the thought of going to a homeless shelter. No way would they accept a man with a metal arm in leather armor. That with the fact that he had no information on himself. A birthday? Family? People would ask questions, and he didn’t have answers for them. His stomach rumbled. Had he eaten today? No, he hadn’t been fed in days.

A crowd of people walked passed the alley, and Bucky scooted further into the shadows. Was this the life he was destined to live? Going from brain washed super assassin to homeless man who finds refuge in back alleys and dumpsters? Although, while it wasn’t the greatest, he’d rather be anywhere than in Hydra’s hands again.

But they would get him again. They always did.

Somehow, they’d always find him. They had the technology and the man power to hunt him down wherever he went, and he was more than aware of that. He would always be on the run, and put anyone who got close to him in danger. He hadn’t known a peaceful nights rest in years, and it was beginning to look like that wouldn’t change any time soon. How was he supposed to live like this?

Unless he…didn’t.

The thought stunned him, but it was starting to become his only option. How was he expected to live like this? With the guilt of everything he’s done? Hydra had wiped his memory countless times, cleaning his slate over and over, but that didn’t erase the awareness that there was more pain he had caused, more blood on his hands than he could ever imagine. What place did he have in the world after that? He buried his face in his hands, overwhelmed. He wasn’t invincible, he knew that for sure. Though Zola’s experiments helped him tremendously with strength and durability, it didn’t take away his mortality.

Looking around the alley, he considered how he’d do it. The obvious choice was one of the weapons on his person. It would be quick and easy. But he had to consider who would find him. Who would have to clean it all up? There had been enough trauma caused by his hand, he didn’t need to cause anymore. He could always head to a bridge. How long does it take for one to drown? And then there was-

_Well, this is getting depressing. Have you considered talking to a therapist?_

Bucky froze at the sound of the voice. It was loud. Close. But when he looked around the alleyway, he saw no one. Just trash and boxes everywhere.

_Not to be funny, but please don’t off yourself because I’m definitely not emotionally stable enough to handle listening to that._

He stood, his eyes bouncing around but still finding no one. How do they know? Not once did he say a word out loud. Where are they coming from?

_I’m in your head, dummy._

**Huh?**

What kind of threat was this? Could they infiltrate his mind? Control him? A rush of panic flooded through Bucky. He just escaped being mind controlled, he wasn’t about to let it happen again. Head snapping in multiple different directions, he began to look around for anything he could use as a weapon if needed.

_You can look for weapons all you want but I’m not going to hurt you. I’m not even there._

**Who are you?**

The voice in his head read him an unfamiliar name, which did nothing to ease his tension. Slowly, he sat back down next to the dumpster, reclaiming the small shelter. It didn’t do much in terms of protection, but it gave him a small peace of mind.

**What do you want?**

_I don’t want anything. I didn’t have a choice in this. Where the fuck have you been? I just thought I was broken or something._

**What the hell are you talking about?**

_Oh. You don’t know?_

**Know what?**

He was starting to get angry. Was he going insane? Was this what Hydra had left him to live with? He buried his face in his hands as he tried to get his breathing under control. It was beginning to be too much.

_Oh. You really don’t know._

**Obviously not.**

Anxiety rippled through him as he waited for the voice to speak again. To answer his questions. His hands were shaking violently, and he couldn’t tell if it was from the cold or from the fear that had filled him. Maybe both, but more than likely the latter. Finally, after longer than he had wanted, it came once more.

_So this is going to sound crazy, but I promise I’m not fucking around with you._

**Just tell me.**

There was a loud sigh. Was it from him or the voice? He couldn’t tell.

_I’m not sure how to explain this in a way that makes sense, because I’ve never known a person who didn’t know about it…_

There was a long, anticipating pause. A cold wind blasted Bucky, sending him shivering into the corner. It didn’t matter though, not in that moment. He just wanted to know if he was going crazy or not. For a second, it almost felt like he was feeling the mind of the voice working to find the right words, and it was then that he was almost positive that he had lost it.

_You know what soulmates are, right?_

**I’ve heard the term.**

_Okay, no one’s sure how it started, but the day you’re born, you can hear the thoughts of your soulmate, and communicate with them through them as well._

Bucky’s mind was blank as he listened, the words of the voice only barely resonating.

 _I never had one in my head, and just figured I didn’t have one or was unlovable or something._ There was a long, drawn out sigh, and this time Bucky knew it wasn’t coming from him.

_And I don’t know why there was this period without us hearing each other but us hearing each other now means I’m officially your soulmate, and that you’re mine._

~~

_Fuck me._

The pen glided smoothly across your paper, when you were able to come up with what you were writing. It was becoming more and more evident that the homework for your college Trigonometry course was going to take longer than you had thought. While it wasn’t the hardest thing you had ever done, math just wasn’t your preferred subject, and you wished there was a way to avoid it.

Throwing down the pen, you stared out the window. The sun was low, just beginning to set on the horizon. It was only a matter of time before the city lights would come on, the light flooding out the stars. That was the worst part about living in the city. You couldn’t ever see the night sky for what it was.

**I don’t think we’ve known each other long enough for that.**

The intrusion startled you, but after a second, you found yourself laughing.

_When did you get cheeky? Mr. Serious has a sense of humor?_

**I have my moments.**

_Few and far between, that’s for damn sure._

**I wouldn’t be so damn sure about that.**

You felt slightly bad for how much it shocked you, but considering he had been keeping his distance for the few days since you and him had connected, added to the first impression of him was when he was massively suicidal, who could blame you?

_Where’ve you been?_

There was a long pause, and you could hear the hesitation in his head as he scrambled to think of the right thing to say.

**Around.**

Vague. That’s how it always was with him. He wouldn’t tell you anything about him. Not a name or a hometown. Hell, he wouldn’t even tell you where he was. This person, whoever he may be, was the epitome of closed off. Staring out the window, you didn’t reply.

Gaining a soulmate so late in the game was so intriguing, giving you a new found excitement and adventure to dive into. Most people had their soulmates from the day they were born, meaning they had their entire childhood to get to know them and then they would use their teen and adult years to be find them, if it wasn’t someone they already knew in person, and start a life with them. You had for the longest time felt like an outsider without one. But now you did, and it was thrilling and scary at the same time.

The few days of radio silence from your companion gave you time to explore the abilities the connection gave you, and you found they were quite limited. You could tune in at anytime, without him knowing, and feel his every emotion but you couldn’t dig through his memories and you could only hear his conscience thoughts, the ones where he was basically talking to himself. Only he could show you anything beyond that, should he decide. It was basically like being on a long term phone call with someone. Not once did he ever feel a positive emotion, except for the occasional bout of relief. But it never lasted long. You also had the ability to block him from seeing your thoughts, you learned, but from how his mind was on most of the time, you highly doubted he knew how to do it.

Despite how happy it made you to have a soulmate, you had to admit, it was hard when yours kept everything so close to the vest. You had already told him your name, and yet he didn’t feel like he could do the same. And part of you felt somewhat hurt by that.

_How’s your journey to find yourself going?_

**I had to dig through a donation bin to find new clothes for myself. Took me a whole hour to find a shirt in my size.**

_Oh, so you did take my suggestion on that. Good thinking. The clothes might not be clean but it’s better than whatever you were wearing, probably._

**Also, I found myself at the Smithsonian yesterday.**

Your eyebrows raised up. So he was in DC. Not close to you, but at least it wasn’t countries away.

_So, you walked around and ended up there?_

**No, I mean I’m actually featured in the Smithsonian. It was…really weird.**

In a heated attempt to be nonchalant and not set off any alarms, you grabbed your laptop and pulled up the Smithsonian website, looking at the featured exhibits. As you ran through what you knew of the museum through your head, nothing seemed to call out to you.

_Which exhibit were you in?_

Long pause.

**I don’t remember.**

He was lying. It wasn’t the long pause or the unsureness of it that gave him away. It was the flash of Captain America’s face that went through his mind, and subsequently going through yours, that gave him away. Almost comically by coincidence, a banner promoting the Captain America exhibit appeared at the top of the screen as the page loaded. You clicked on it and waited.

_Do you really not remember or are you just using that as another excuse to not tell me who you are?_

It was more confrontational than you would normally get, but it was tiring to you that you were ready and willing to be a soulmate to him, but he wasn’t willing to let you be. You had been dying for this for your entire life. To experience what everyone else had since they were kids. And it was kind of sad that he was slightly ruining it for you.

**I’m a dude who can’t remember his entire life before two days ago and you’re questioning whether I can remember what exhibit I’m featured in at a museum?**

While it sounded like he was kidding, you knew he was, in some way, firing back. And you weren’t having it.

_Don’t bullshit me, dude. If it had information on your past, then that’s not something you forget._

During his silence, you scrolled through the exhibit pictures. It wasn’t until that moment that you realized you didn’t know exactly what it was you were looking for. What could he have been to Captain America? A contributor to the exhibit? Or a collector? He couldn’t actually be ** _in_** the exhibit. Every man featured in it save Steve Rogers himself was dead. You skimmed over the mural of the Howling Commandos, closely examining their faces.

_Can you at least tell me your name so I have something to call you?_

There was just more silence, and you began to believe he had tuned you out. Shaking your head, you went to close your laptop.

**James.**

It was unsure sounding like before, and you wondered if he even wanted you to call him that, or if he just didn’t want to tell you the name that would really identify him. As you were turning back to your laptop screen, your door opened and you instinctively closed the internet window. Averting your attention back to your coursework, you didn’t look at the new presence, who was leaning against your doorframe.

“Whatcha up to, kiddo?” You simply shrugged.

“Just homework.” When you looked up, he was giving you a concerned look. “What?” He raised his hands, in the way he always did when he was about to say something that you wouldn’t necessarily like.

“You’ve just been off, and I don’t know.” He paused for an inordinate amount of time, and as the seconds past, anxiety rose in your chest. “I’m worried about you,” He finally admitted, tilting his head. You didn’t mean to, but you were well aware of how closed off to the world outside your head you had been. Though you wanted to tell him, the man who took you in when you had no one else, about your newfound soulmate, you didn’t want to admit it when you didn’t know more about him.

“I’ve just been busy with school,” You lied with ease. “Not much time for anything else. I’m sorry that I’ve been distant.” He didn’t seem satisfied with this answer but you and him both knew he couldn’t force it out of you.

“You know you can talk to me, right?” He asked. The sincerity in his voice made you feel guilty, and you weren’t sure why.

“I know,” You said, giving him a soft smile. “Thanks, Stark.” Tony gave you a curt nod and a returned smile before backing out of your doorway and slowly shutting the door behind him. The second it clicked, you looked back at your laptop with a frown.

Whoever this James person was, he clearly wasn’t going to make being your soulmate easy on you. It was rare that a soulmate didn’t want to share everything with the one they were destined to be with. The only thing that gave you some sort of peace of mind was that you knew that at some time or another, your paths would have to cross. That’s how soulmates worked. If the two of you didn’t come together on your own, life found a way to do it for you.

 _Ugh, why couldn’t this have been easy?_ You asked yourself.

_Why me?_

~~

**Why are you still up?**

_Can’t sleep. What’s your excuse?_

A dog barked a few yards away from Bucky, making him shuffle deeper into his corner. He never felt more claustrophobic than he did in that moment. The closest thing he had to a pillow was the duffle bag propped up against the wall behind him. The swaying back and forth of the ground had made him sick the first day, but now he was so used to it that he could probably live on it without trouble. Although he was still having a hard time sleeping through it.

**Me neither.**

The air reeked of salt water, giving Bucky a headache. He was heavily crowded by shipping crates of all sizes, and the one dog that was his lone companion. For the most part, it was quiet, but sometimes it would begin to bark and he’d have to hope that no one came down to check on it. Using his fingers, he counted how many hours it had been since he last ate. Six. He could go a few more.

Humidity from the ocean filled the room, and Bucky had given up all attempts to sleep hours ago. All he had been doing for a while was listening to the sound of the soft waves hitting against the ship. There was something peaceful about it.

_Are you on a boat?_

Bucky felt his back tense. Of course he didn’t tell you anything. There was no point to. But you were smarter than he gave you credit for. You always were.

**What makes you ask that?**

_I keep smelling sea salt and fish. In my bedroom. That’s nowhere near an ocean._

**Did you ever think maybe it’s you? College kid and all, don’t know how to take care of themselves…**

_James…_

**Fine. You win. I’m on a cargo ship.**

_What the fuck are you doing on a cargo ship?_

He closed his eyes at your question.

It was hard to explain his decision to leave America. At this point, there was nothing keeping him around. Nothing except for you, but he was trying to avoid getting attached, let alone meeting you in person. He was already failing at the former, so he hoped that this would ensure the latter. He knew meeting you was inevitable, as he had done his research on soulmates and what it generally entailed and now knew that if soulmates didn’t come together on their own that life would do it for them, but he wanted to put it off for as long as possible. At least until he felt like it was safe. And who knows how long that would take?

For the past two days, he had closed his mind off to you during his journey and had fully intended to keep it that way until he had arrived at his destination. But being left with his thoughts was a scary thing, and he needed to talk to someone before they had the chance to consume him.

_I’m headed to Europe._

**Why are you going to Europe? Are you a stowaway on this ship? That’s pretty illegal sounding.**

He smiled to himself. If only you knew all the things he head done. Stowing away on this ship seemed like child’s play compared to his past. There really wasn’t anything humorous about it, but Bucky still couldn’t help but laugh at the irony of it all.

**Needed a change of scenery. It’s a long story.**

_We’re both awake. Might as well tell me._

**Probably shouldn’t.**

Your sigh filled his mind, and suddenly he felt guilty, but he wasn’t sure why. Just because you were his soulmate, that didn’t mean he had to tell you every single detail of his life. Right?

_Does it take effort to be this exhausting or does it just come naturally?_

**Hey, you’re the one still awake, I thought I would help you out a bit. Doesn’t talking to me just make you want to fall asleep?**

_You’re also still awake, fuck head._

**Yeah, but I have an excuse. It’s almost morning in Europe. Gotta get used to that time change now while I can.**

He could hear the sound of your laugh bounce around the walls of his brain, and he was shocked when the corners of his mouth involuntarily twitched upward.

It would be a complete lie if Bucky said he wasn’t starting to grow fond of you, despite the few and far between interaction he’d had with you. There was something about your quick wit and hardheadedness that he found equally obnoxious and endearing. The compassion that you held for him despite never having met him was overwhelming at times, for he could barely find a reason to care for himself, let alone have someone else care about him. And he found it comforting that even though he was alone most of the time, somehow he wasn’t ever really alone.

_Still can’t believe you’re going to Europe._

**Yeah. Me neither.**

_Which country are you going to?_

The question stumped him. Truth be told, he hadn’t put much thought into it other than he needed to get out of the States. With the Hydra files released to the government, that meant his entire ledger was in their hands, which made him a wanted man. Getting on the cargo ship was an impulse decision. He couldn’t even remember the location of the docks he had heard some of the crew discussing as he snuck on board. All he knew was that it was as far away from where the danger appeared to be.

The hardest part about it was, he had a list of European countries running through his mind, but not a clue of where to go. He knew dozens of languages, the only plus side to his time at Hydra, so that wasn’t a problem. The issue was, he didn’t have a place in the United States. What made him think he had a place in Europe? Or anywhere, for that matter?

**Where do you think I should go?**

He could feel the intensity of your thoughts grow, as you seriously considered his question. Flashes of a map of Europe filled his mind, and he knew that you had looked up a map to review.

_Let me just close my eyes and…_

There was a long, dramatic pause. Bucky stared at the ceiling above him, anticipatingly waiting for what you were about to say. He found himself trying to guess what you would pick. Maybe Britain. Or Ireland. Germany? Or Poland? The options were endless, and he found himself slightly frightened by the idea.

_Bucharest, Romania._

Eyebrows up to his hairline, Bucky let out a laugh, surprised. Of all of the places he thought you would name, he never would’ve guessed that.

**Why there?**

_Because that’s the city the Finger of Destiny chose for you._

He laughed again, and you were laughing with him. It made him feel so full. There hadn’t been laughter in his life for a very long time. Honestly, a part of him had forgotten what the feeling felt like.

**Well, thank goodness I already know Romanian.**

_Where the fuck did you learn Romanian?_

Bucky looked down at his hands in his lap, smiling slightly. There was so much he ached to tell you, but everything in him screamed not to.

**Long story.**

~~

_You’re doing it again._

**Putting my underwear away?**

_That generally doesn’t come with a side of thinking about dying, now does it?_

**I went a la carte.**

Despite the fact that you were trying to be serious, you couldn’t help but audibly snort. Tony, Pepper and Rhodey all looked up at you, but you continued to stare down at your dinner plate, pushing your food around with your fork.

“Care to share with the class what’s so funny?” Tony asked curiously. You didn’t blame him. The whole time you had been sitting at the table, you didn’t contribute to any sort of conversation in the slightest. So of course you laughing at random was going to trigger him into trying to make you participate. You knew, deep down, that he was just Tony being Tony. And it was clear he was still worried about you.

“Just thought of a funny video I saw earlier, that’s all,” You lied, before flipping your mind back.

_You’re funny and all, but it’s really concerning how much you think about dying._

**It just… happens.**

You sighed as you stared down at your food. It happened more often than you liked, catching James thinking about death. It wasn’t always suicidal either, necessarily. Sometimes it was in preparation for his death, or dreams about dying.

_Things have seemed pretty okay though. You just got a job. You’re off the street. Things are okay._

**They’re just always there, gnawing at the back of my mind. Like a toddler chewing at table legs.**

The palm of your hand found your forehead as you tried to bite back a laugh, not wanting to cause another disturbance.

_So in this scenario, your brain is a table leg and your suicidal thoughts are a toddler? Am I getting this right?_

**That would be correct.**

It was almost irritating just how funny he could be. The type of humor that was almost always dripping with sarcasm. Outlandish words in a deadpan voice. You found yourself always wondering if he was like this in person, or if he kept it confined to his head strictly for you.

_Using humor to deal with your problems will only help you for so long._

**It’s been doing me pretty good so far.**

_You’ve only been you for about six months now. What are you gonna do if it stops working?_

**Then I’ll finally jump the gun and kill myself.**

A lump formed in your throat and you began to feel nauseous. Everyone looked up at you again when you stood up quickly from your seat.

“I don’t feel so good, I’m gonna go lay down,” You said hurriedly in a soft tone before all but running out of the room, giving no one the chance to speak. You thought you heard Tony call out your name, but you didn’t turn back to confirm it.

_That’s not funny._

**Who said I was joking?**

Without meaning to, you slammed the door to your bedroom closed. You stared blankly at the floor while trying to think of what to say, but you had no clue. You wished you could talk to him in person. It would be so much easier if you were actually there. But now he was countries away, and you were only a voice in his head.

_You need to get help, James. Talk to someone._

**I’ll figure it out. I always seem to.**

You lowered yourself onto your mattress, burying your face in your hands. Whatever sadness he felt, it was filling you too.

_Can you figure out a way to do it that doesn’t involve your death? Because I would be lying if I said I haven’t grown kinda fond of you._

There was silence for a second, and you wondered if you had said too much. You were about to lay down in defeat when you heard him again.

**I’ll do my best, only because I guess I’ve grown pretty fond of you too.**

There was no time to react before your door swung open and Pepper let herself in, closing the door behind her. You made a mental note to start locking it.

“So,” She started. “When were you going to tell me you have a soulmate now?” Your jaw dropped open, as your mind drew blank. For a second, you wondered if you had actually heard her right, but then again, what else would she have said?

“I- what?” You asked, shaking your head blankly. “W-” You froze for another few seconds, before sighing deeply. “How did you know?” She laughed as she crossed the room, sitting next to you on the bed.

“Please,” She said, shaking her head. “You’ve had that ‘lights are on but nobody’s home’ look for the past six months. You never talk anymore. You always seem to be inside your head. That’s exactly how I was when I was old enough to understand the whole soulmate thing.” Pepper tilted her head, a smug smirk on her face. “Tony and Rhodes may be oblivious, but don’t think for a second that I haven’t known for a while now.” You smiled sheepishly at her.

“Sorry I didn’t say anything,” You said quietly. She shifted so she was facing you now. Her face was a cross between surprised and sympathetic.

“Don’t be sorry, just tell me all about him!” She exclaimed, her smile unbreakable. “Tell me what happened to cause this! Where has he been?”

You bit your lip. It was a good question, that even you still didn’t have answers to. How did this happen? How were you supposed to explain it in a way that made sense when it barely made sense to you?

“Well,” You started. “I can start from the beginning, but there’s really not a lot to tell.”

~~

You had fallen asleep hours ago, and Bucky was both grateful and resentful towards you for it.

The rumble of the air conditioning unit filled the quiet air of his tiny apartment. For a while, he had the TV on, but it wasn’t enough to drown out the terror that was his thoughts. Nothing was. His mind was on overdrive, but not in a good way.

It started with a nightmare that had occurred the evening before. He was with you. Though Bucky had never seen you, he just knew the figure slow dancing with him was you. He could just tell. And the sound of your voice was a giveaway as well. The big room you two stood in the middle of was a large gymnasium, one that looked familiar to Bucky, and it was decorated as if it was prom. But there was no one else around. You donned a deep purple gown, and you looked stunning. He couldn’t take his eyes off you. Then, all of a sudden, he turned into the Winter Soldier. Like a switch had flipped. The fear in your eyes were still haunting his memories, but nothing compared to the way your neck felt between his fingers and your body going limp. It all felt so real. He woke up screaming, and hadn’t slept since.

That was what he was afraid of. The idea of being with you, and then inevitably hurting you. He was a threat, he always would be. That’s why, despite over a year passing since you had popped into his head, he still kept you at a distance. Even though he had began to let you in some as his feelings for you grew stronger, it was never enough. You still referred to him as James. He told you that he had a job, but wouldn’t mention where. Nothing identifying, and he knew you picked up on it.

The hard thing for him was, you began to do the same. When you talked about the father figure in your life, you never mentioned him by name. You’d tell him about your schooling, but you didn’t tell him what you were studying or where you were going to school. If you were in another country, and he asked why you were there, you’d never tell him. He knew this was you closing him off because he continued to do the same to you, and no matter how hypocritical it was, he couldn’t help but feel saddened by it.

In the process of you distancing yourself, he was beginning to close off hope for himself as well. You were, some days, the thing that made him get out of bed in the morning. As unhealthy as he knew it was to put so much reliance on you, he needed to hold onto something. And you were the only good thing he had. Part of him was hoping that with your influence, he’d be able to find the worth in himself that you seemed to see.You were such a light in his life, and it was hard not to find solace in you. Even still, that didn’t stop him from having his bad days. The thoughts didn’t dissipate. He just got better at hiding them from you. He didn’t want you to worry, although he knew you did anyway. On some days, like this one, they were worse than others.

Though it was almost four in the afternoon, he couldn’t get out of bed. Every muscle in his body somehow ached and felt numb at the same time. He was drowning in his mind, his dream on rerun.

**You’ll hurt her.**

**Kill her more than likely.**

**You don’t deserve her.**

**You don’t deserve anyone.**

Hot tears streamed down Bucky’s face as he grabbed the sleeping bag and pulled it over his head. He knew all these things, there was no need for a reminder. He thought about it almost every single time you spoke to him, he just started blocking you out of those parts of his mind. It already frustrated you that you blocked him out, but he didn’t want you to see that he was just saving you from the darkness that filled him. He didn’t want to be a dark cloud looming over your life.

**You should die.**

**You should die.**

**Die.**

**Die.**

**Die.**

The entirety of his body shook, as his grip on the sleeping bag so tight that it was leaving the knuckles of his flesh hand white. Everything was coming back to him. Every ounce of pain or blood spill he had ever caused. When would the guilt stop? When would his misery end?

_Good morning, stranger._

Everything in him froze.

_Are you okay? I can feel your panic._

As if by instinct, he shook his head.

**No, I’m fine. Just thought I lost something. How are you?**

_Just woke up. Not much to report. I had a hard time sleeping last night. I woke up in a panic like I had a bad dream, but I don’t remember what the dream was about. It was weird._

His jaw clenched as he threw the sleeping bag from his head, rolling onto his back and rubbing his eyes. More than likely, the reason you didn’t remember your dream was because you didn’t have one at all.

**That is weird.**

~~

“Are you really gonna sign that?”

“It’s the right thing to do.”

You stared down at the open book on your lap, the words were small and filled with legal terms that you didn’t fully understand, as hard as you may have tried to. Steve had given you a slight run down of the meeting with the Senator when you caught him rushing to leave, but he seemed distracted, so you let him go, deciding to ask Tony himself. It took you a couple of days, but you finally bulked up the courage.

For a few minutes, you kept your mouth shut, staring out the plane window. Tony had been in a rush when he told you he had to go to Berlin, and he wasn’t too keen on you asking if you could go too. But you had been stuck alone with your thoughts for a good portion of the day, and you just couldn’t deal with just sitting around the penthouse any longer. The last you had heard from James, he had been out shopping, and then suddenly he abruptly cut you off. And you hadn’t heard from him since.

As hard as you tried to not say anything, curiosity got the better of you. Emptying your lungs in a sigh, you turned back to Tony. He was angry, it was clear by his face, and for a second, you thought about just letting it go. But you knew better than anyone that sometimes, Tony could be arrogant and stubborn, and sometimes he needed to be talked down from himself. And it this situation, since Pepper wasn’t around, it had to be by you.

“None of what Steve told me made it sound that way,” You told him, slowly. But the way he rolled his eyes made it clear that your attempts to not start a fight weren’t working.

“Rogers isn’t thinking things through,” Tony snapped, his head rolling to stare at the window. “Which was only made more evident by his recent actions.” The venom in Tony’s voice made you tilt your head slightly. If there had been an argument between him and Steve, no one had let you in on it.

“What happened with Steve?” You asked. Before Tony could respond, the commercials from the TV that was on behind you switched to the news.

“Trouble was avoided in Bucharest today when Romanian police apprehended Captain America, who was aiding the escape of known assassin, James Buchanan Barnes, who in the past has gone under the alias of the Winter Soldier…” The newscast continued with the story, but you had stopped listening. Something about the report had caught your attention, and now it was all you could focus on.

Bucharest, Romania.

Captain America and James Buchanan Barnes.

James Buchanan Barnes.

James.

Slowly, you turned back to Tony, with your eyebrows furrowed together and your mind working at a pace of a thousand miles a second.

“Barnes… Isn’t that Steve’s friend from the Howling Commandos?” You asked, recalling what you had read from the museum exhibit when you were researching it. Tony sighed, nodding his head.

“Hydra turned them into their little murder machine,” He said angrily. “He made a real mess a couple years back in DC. And then he went off the grid. Steve and Sam went off on a road trip adventure to find him and had no luck, until he decided to commit mass homicide.” He huffed before turning back towards the window, crossing his arms over his chest. You looked back down at the book in your lap. You remembered the incidents with the Winter Soldier all too well. A conversation you had with Steve not long after the final confrontation with him flashed into your head.

“I think I brought him back,” He had told you over the phone. “The way he looked at me when I said it…I could just tell that in some way, it was Bucky looking at me. The real Bucky.”

You looked out the window, covering your mouth with your hand. How was this possible? Was it just a huge coincidence? Almost as soon as the Winter Soldier dropped off the face of the Earth, you had a soulmate in your head? Were you grasping at straws, or was this the epiphany you had always wanted?

Slowly, you pulled out your phone. You didn’t realize your hands were shaking until you kept messing up your passcode, only one fuck up away from locking your phone when you finally got to your home screen. As steady as possible, you typed in Smithsonian Air and Space Exhibits into the search bar. Your screen burst with red, white and blue when you clicked on the Captain America exhibit, scrolling through the gallery pictures. It was longer, more detailed since you looked at it almost two years ago. Nothing of value came up, and you almost closed out of the browser, when you got to the last picture and saw it.

The memorial for James Buchanan “Bucky” Barnes.

**_I found myself at the Smithsonian yesterday._ **

You wouldn’t be able to describe it if you tried, but the rush of emotions that filled you let you know. It was like your eyes were glued to your phone screen.

That was him.

This was the voice inside your head all this time.

It was too much. Your stomach was churning so hard that you felt like you were going to be sick.

_James?_

No answer. You squirmed in your seat, feeling Tony’s eyes on you but not bothering to acknowledge them. What were you supposed to tell him? He didn’t even know you had a soulmate. So how would you explain that not only do you have a soulmate now, but it just so happens to be the man who’s being accused of blowing up a building and murdering dozens of people?

_James._

Biting your lip as the radio silence continued, you began to wring your hands in anxiety. You needed a response, you needed answers. But mainly, you wanted to know that he was okay. You would’ve been fine with some sort of response at this point. Something. Anything. Sighing deeply, you let your head fall onto your shoulder. For a second, you almost didn’t say it. But you had to know. You just had to know if you were right. After a few seconds of debate with yourself, you sighed again.

_Bucky?_


	2. Chapter 2

He thought he heard it wrong, and waited to see if he had imagined it. But no, your voice came once more.

_Bucky, please_.

His head fell forward, the only amount of movement he could muster in his confined prison cell. He could feel your sadness radiating through you. You knew. You knew everything. How did you figure it out? It didn’t matter. He knew that you were smart, he should’ve known that it was only a matter of time before you’d find out who he was for yourself. He thought about closing you out and dealing with it another time, but he didn’t. There was no point. He wasn’t doing anything else while sitting in this cage, anyway.

**I’m here.**

Your emotions filled him. Was this…relief? How could you possibly feel better, after knowing what he is? What he’s done? Something about it made his lip quiver.

_Please tell me you’re safe._

He swallowed hard as tears welled up in his eyes. This was the first time he had shown an ounce of emotion since his capture. It was easy to accept it before, when he had forgotten that there was still you to consider.

**In a sense.**

_I know you didn’t do it._

A metallic taste filled his mouth as he closed his eyes. Of course you’d say anything to make him feel better in this moment.

**And how do you know that?**

His entire body tensed as he awaited your response. A sigh fell from his mouth, and he knew that you had did it too.

_Because I know you._

He squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head.

**You don’t. You don’t know me at all.**

_Just because you didn’t tell me who you are, that doesn’t mean I don’t know you. I know enough to know you didn’t do this._

He was about to respond, but something stopped him. A feeling in his chest, almost his entire body. It was nothing that he had ever experienced before. It began to radiate, filling his entire body. For a second, he began to panic, but he wasn’t sure why. It wasn’t a bad feeling. It was almost like it was excitement, like his body knew something was about to happen.

And then it did.

He didn’t realize at first. It didn’t register. But then he did a double take, and he could see the glow. Was it his mind making it up? Or were you actually glowing? It took a moment of staring before it dawned on him that it was you. He felt like his heart was actually going to burst out of his chest.

You were walking next to Tony Stark. The father figure, he assumed. His heart was pounding in his chest as he realized what that meant. You knew Steve, and the rest of the Avengers. Realization that he didn’t know you as well as he had thought hit him like a train. He had just assumed that he was the only one keeping heavy secrets. But obviously, you couldn’t go around telling everyone that you knew the Avengers. Unless you were a member of the team yourself, that would just put a target on your back.

God, he wasn’t ready. A thousand times he had seen you in his dreams, but there was something about you in person that was much better. You were magical. An actual ray of light. Steve, who was sauntering behind you and Tony with Sam, must’ve said something funny, for your whole face lit up in laughter, and Bucky felt himself fidgeting in the chair he was trapped in. How could you be so close, and yet so far away? Before, he had been indifferent to being in the cage. But now, he was so desperate to get out and be by your side.

You kept walking, looking around the room but your eyes never found him once before you disappeared down a hallway, taking your rays of light with you. Did you know he was there? Did you feel it too?

**You’re here.**

_I am._

**Did you…?**

_Yeah, I felt it too._

He couldn’t remember the last time he felt so relieved. You were here and safe, and you knew he was there too. But part of him worried still. And he couldn’t help but voice it.

**Why are you here?**

_Tony brings me along to these things sometimes. I’m really just going to sit and work on coursework while he deals with whatever shenanigans you and Steve got yourselves into._

It was weird, listening to you talk so plainly about Tony Stark and Steve. In the past, Tony had remained nameless, and no one even remotely close to Steve had ever been mentioned at all. He felt like he was talking to an entirely new person, but in your defense, he figured you more than likely felt the same way.

His long pause did not go unnoticed, for he felt you getting nervous.

_Should I not be here?_

He shuttered. There wasn’t any reason for him to be so worried. SHIELD was a pretty well secured facility, as far as he was aware, since the Hydra breach a few years back. And the biggest threat in the room was being held in a containment unit with his arms clamped down to the chair he sat in. But still, there was a massive part of him that said no, no you should not be here.

**I’m not sure.**

_What does that mean?_

**I don’t know.**

Because he didn’t. There was no valid explanation as to why he was beginning to panic at the thought of you being around. But he knew there was no way in hell that you were going to leave any time soon. Not since you knew he was there.

_You worry too much._

**I worry just enough, thank you very much.**

He only used his humor with you. You were the only one who could hear the quips that he kept to himself. It took him awhile to realize that he used to be funny all those years ago. Unapologetically funny. Before Hydra has ruined him, whenever he thought of a joke or a witty comeback, he would say them out loud, and bask in the laughter it gained. But now, he kept all of that to himself. He still thought of funny things, but the only laughter he had to bask in was your own. And that, somehow, was enough for him.

The door to his prison chamber opened, and in walked a scrawny man in light brown glasses with satchel over his shoulder. He approached the table that was about fifty feet from Bucky’s cage, not once making eye contact. There was not a single part of him that wanted to cooperate.

“Hello, Mr. Barnes,” The man said as he sat down. Bucky laid his head against the back of his seat, pressing his lips together and not saying a word. “I’ve been sent by the United Nations to evaluate you.” He looked up at Bucky, giving him a small smile, before gesturing towards the chair. “Do you mind if I sit?”

~~

Your leg bounced against the floor of the small room you were being kept in. Books and papers were scattered on the table, but you couldn’t focus on any of them. How could you? He was close. He was in trouble, and there was nothing you could do about it. Tony had insisted that you stay in this secluded room. He wouldn’t even let you go find Steve to say hello. And then he denied it being because him and Steve weren’t getting along. Petty.

Standing up, you approached the glass and looked out, but there was nothing of interest to see. Agents were walking up and down the hallways, all at a brisk pace that meant they were off to do important things. You wondered what important business they could be running off to. What secret agent missions they got themselves wrapped in. Turning from the door, you began to pace around the room.

_Did you see me?_

**I did.**

Your jaw dropped in surprise.

_How did I miss you?_

**You were too busy staring at everything like a lost puppy. It was kind of cute, I won’t lie.**

The fact that your cheeks started to blush was slightly irritating, and you had to bite the inside of your cheek to hinder the dorky smile that was threatening to fill your cheeks.

_How’s interrogation?_

**Tends to get on the boring side when you didn’t do anything wrong. He’s asking me really strange and irrelevant questions though.**

_Like what?_

The room went dark, the bright lights replaced with blue and red emergency lights. Purple hues lit up the floor as you looked around in slight panic, wondering what the hell was going on. Was this what happened anytime there was an attack somewhere on the globe? Or did this only occur when there was immediate danger? When you went back to the door, agents were now running down the hallway, all going in the same direction this time.

The door burst open, and in came Tony, who looked relieved at the sight of you while still frantic.

“What’s going on?” You asked, failing to hide the shakiness of your voice. He raised a finger at you, his eyes wide and stern.

“You stay here, you hear me?” He demanded. “Stay right here.” He swung the door shut, leaving you alone once again.

_What the hell is going on?_

**You need to _run!_**

Your heart stopped.

_What do you mean? What the fuck is happening, James?_

**I said _fucking run!_ Do you understand me? _Get the fuck out of here!_ It’s not sa-**

Everything in your mind went quiet. A wave of fear and nausea plowed through your body, making you begin to gag in panic. This was when your anxiety was taking over, your breathing so fast that it made you lightheaded.

_James?_

He said nothing. You ran to the door, trying to pry it open, but it was locked from the outside. Or did Tony barricade it? You’d probably never know. Yanking at the handle, hot tears began to stream down your face as you began to have a panic attack.

_James?! BUCKY!!_

The door was reinforced, and you were well aware of that. But being stuck inside of a room with danger somewhere nearby wasn’t doing much for your critical thinking skills.

_Please don’t be dead, okay? Please don’t be dead. Please don’t be dead._

You turned around, looking around the room for an escape route. The only other entrance you could find was a vent on the ceiling. Staring at it for a few seconds, you eventually sighed. It would have to do.

Jumping on the table, you began stacking chairs up under the vent. There was no way it was safe, and there was a bigger chance of you falling and hurting yourself than there was of you actually escaping, but you couldn’t just sit there. Not when you had no idea what was lurking outside.

When it looked tall enough, and you were about to start climbing, a loud bang against the door made you stop. You could practically feel the spike in your blood pressure as your heart began to pound in your chest. The moment you heard the bang a second time, you started up the chair ladder. Your steps were haphazard and you could feel it wobbling under you. There was only so much time before it fell. You couldn’t tell if you were breathing way too fast or not breathing at all.

The door burst off the hinges, flying across the room until it crashed into the adjacent wall. A scream left your mouth as your mountain of chairs fell to the floor and took you down with it. A grunt left your mouth when you hit the floor, your head cracking against the tiles. A shadow moved through the room in your direction, and you shoved chairs off of you frantically. Your back screamed in pain, but you didn’t have the luxury to care. Chair in hand as a weapon, you stood up in a ready position, but immediately froze at the sight of the threat.

“James?” You said unsteadily, lowering the chair down. His face was angry, his chest heaving with every breath. He began to advance towards you, and you immediately backed away. It wasn’t that it was him that scared you, it was the fact that you knew it wasn’t him. You were very much aware of what the Winter Soldier was capable of. And you knew that’s what he was in this moment. Hitting the wall, you wanted to run but he was too close. His breath was hot against your face, but he made no movement.

“I know you’re in there,” You said quietly. More than likely, it wouldn’t work quite like it did for Steve when he tried it. But you didn’t think it would hurt. “I know you, James. I know you don’t want to be doing this.”

His eyebrows furrowed, but the blank look never left his eyes. You could see the conflict, as if his inner self was trying to override the Winter Soldier. He rose his hand up, making you flinch, but stopped mere inches from you. Your body relaxed as you stared at him, waiting for something to happen.

After another moment, he turned almost robotically and swiftly left the room without a second glance, leaving you where he’d found you, pressed against the wall.

By the time you found the use of your legs again, the base had been almost destroyed, and Steve, Sam and Bucky had all disappeared.

~~

Bucky bounced in the back seat along with every bump. It was a tight squeeze, with the car being so small and him being so big. He tried not to complain, although he knew Sam’s seat was further back than it needed to be.

The car was quiet, save the classic rock channel Steve and Sam had settled on early in the trip. He found himself staring out the window, lost in thought.

They had assured him multiple times that no civilians were hurt in his tirade, but it left him worried still. He hadn’t heard from you in a while, and though he couldn’t remember if he had run into you as the Winter Soldier, there was no promise as to whether he did or not. Were you just scared of knowing what he could become? Were you in the hospital? Or the morgue? Closing his eyes, he took deep breaths. Until he knew for sure one way or another, there was no reason to panic. When he opened his eyes again, he saw Steve watching him through the rear view mirror.

“It wasn’t you,” He told him. For the hundredth time. “You can’t blame yourself.” Bucky shook his head.

“I can if I hurt her,” He said under his breath. It wasn’t until Sam turned around in his seat that he realized they had heard him.

“Hurt who?” Sam asked, voice slightly demanding. Bucky opened and closed his mouth again, unsure of what to say. Steve’s eyes widened in the the reflection in the mirror, and Bucky knew instantly the jig was up.

“You have a soulmate,” Steve said in shock. Sam’s face mirrored his, as he looked from Steve to Bucky, his eyes demanding an explanation. Before Bucky could even begin to explain, Steve laughed slightly. “Figures. You didn’t have one before the war.” He shook his head. “You were always so confused. I think it subconsciously made you mad that I had a soulmate and you didn’t.” Steve chuckled again, this time with sad eyes to go with it. “Sounds like the universe already knew what your future held.”

Bucky’s head rolled against the headrest so he was looking out the window again. He stared at the orange, yellow and brown gradients that filled the trees as they drove passed them.

“Why was your soulmate there anyway?” Sam asked. Bucky sighed.

“Because she’s practically Tony Stark’s daughter,” He mumbled. The car jerked slightly, and Sam and Steve simultaneously yelled your name. Bucky smiled slightly.

“Yeah, I know,” He said. “You both know her.” Exchanging another look, both Sam and Steve looked stunned.

“I’m surprised she didn’t mention it,” Steve mumbled.

“I didn’t tell her who I was,” Bucky admitted. Saying it out loud made him feel slimy. “I thought…I thought I was protecting her by doing that.” Sam snickered.

“Man, you really don’t have a damn clue about this girl or soulmates or anything, do you?” He asked. Against his better judgement, Bucky laughed louder than he had in awhile.

“No,” He admitted. “I guess I don’t.”

It was the truth. He’d learned how stubborn you could be time and time again, but he still tried to force distance between him and you. But it was becoming clearer and clearer that it was next to impossible. With all of the ways the two of you were interconnected, combined with your persistence, eventually you were going to catch up with him.

Suddenly, as the car was quiet, he felt you there. Relief hit him like a wave crashing onto the beach, and it was the best feeling in the world.

**Are you safe?**

There was a short pause, but it was long enough to make Bucky nauseous.

_I’m fine._

He sighed so heavily that Steve and Sam both looked back at him, but he didn’t pay them any mind. Running a hand down his face, he stared out the window. Hearing your voice soothed him.

**Did I hurt you?**

_No. You didn’t do anything._

**You can tell me if I did.**

_If you did hurt me, I would’ve hurt you back._

A smile filled his cheeks, because he knew to the bottom of his heart, that it was the truth.

**You’re right. I should know better by now.**

_Damn right you should._

The sound of sirens in the distance made Bucky flinch back into his seat, but a fire truck blew passed them, disappearing down the road, the sirens fading in the distance.

**Where are you at?**

_With Tony, trying to talk him down. You’re gonna have company at the airport later. You might want to be prepared for that._

“Stark’s gonna be at the airport. Should probably expect him to have back up,” Bucky said out loud to Sam and Steve. Both of them looked back at him.

“How do you know?” Sam asked, obviously not thinking. Bucky smiled smugly at him.

“Insider information.”

~~

You watched Tony practically sprint around the hotel room from your spot on the bed. It had been quiet for a while, as he was thinking deeply while getting ready to go.

“This isn’t a good idea,” You told him. Not that he was listening to you. He hadn’t listened to you the last eight times you told him that. He just kept on moving. Shockingly, this time, he turned around and eyed you.

“Enlighten me as to why it’s not a good idea to go after people who are harboring a fugitive and are breaking the law,” He asked, in the way he did when he was flustered. You rolled your eyes at him, something you knew he hated, before responding.

“It’s Steve,” You reminded him. “You know he’s not doing any of this to spite you. He’s doing what he thinks is right. Just like you.” You tilted your head to the side. “You always speak really highly of Steve despite your differences with him. Are you really going after him because you have to? Or is this because he wasn’t on your side?” It needed to be said, despite the fact that you knew it would hit Tony right in the ego. You could see that clearly in the shock that filled his expression.

“If it’s not me that goes after him, it’s the United Nations,” Tony said, his volume rising slightly. “Do you think the UN is going to be nice about it? I’m approaching as a friend, not a hostile, which could save him and his little war buddy.” You flinched when he mentioned Bucky, even if not by name. “Who, by the way, just blew up and murdered a large group of people, which included the monarch of an entire country.” He stood up straighter, shaking his head. “Sending me to bring them in is mercy.” You shook your head, emotions getting the better of you.

“What if it wasn’t him?” You blurted out. Tony stared at you with a questioning look as you tried to hide the shock from your own face.

“Then who else could it have been?” He asked, crossing his arms. “Because they have him on camera fleeing the scene, so unless you have some sort of explanation for that…”

You opened and closed your mouth for a few seconds, unsure of what to say. Was now the time? You couldn’t say. Even if you did tell Tony, would it make a difference? After a significant amount of time had passed, Tony turned away from you.

“He’s still the Winter Soldier whether he’s in Hydras hands or not and he needs to either be locked up or put down,” Tony said as he approached the table where his suit lied. Biting your lip, your eyes closed.

“You can’t kill him, Tony,” You said slowly, your voice quiet.

“I’m not asking permission,” He said without facing you. “I’ll do what I have to with or-“

“He’s my soulmate!”

It slipped out, in a loud and firm voice you didn’t recognize. The whole room seemed to freeze, a chill running through your entire body. A long time past with Tony’s back still facing you as you watched him in anxiety. For a moment, you almost wished that you could take it all back. But you knew it was only a matter of time before he found out. And you’d rather it be now than standing over Bucky’s dead body.

Slowly, he turned. It was at such an agonizingly slow pace that only Tony could perfect.

“I’m sorry,” He said quickly, waving his hand around while shaking his head. His eyes were blinking rapidly as the information processed. “He’s your what now?” You sighed, your shoulders slumping.

“Barnes is my soulmate,” You said in a quiet voice. Head falling to your shoulder, your eyes locked onto Tony’s suitcase on the table where his suit was held. After a moment, you looked back at him. “You can’t kill him.”

Tony looked stunned, and rightfully so. You knew this was going to come as a shock, considering as far as he was concerned, you didn’t have a soulmate at all. Now not only did you have one, but it happened to be a man who was being accused of being a bomb happy, homicidal terrorist.

“What do you expect me to do?” He demanded, flopping down on the bed next to you. “I can’t let him walk free. You know I can’t let this slide.” You shook your head.

“It wasn’t him, Tony,” You insisted. “I’m always with him. I can tell you where he was during the bombing, he wasn’t anywhere near here.” Tony sighed loudly, burying his face in his hands. Pain filled your stomach as you watched the man you saw as a father in this state. He brought his head up again, resting his chin in his hands.

“I can put you on the stand, but it’s your word against the video proof that he was there,” He said softly. He eyed you, his expression filled with melancholy. “I believe you. I do. But there’s no way to go about this that has Barnes come out on top.” You nodded solemnly. He was quiet for a while, lost in thought once more. It was clear that he was struggling to come to terms with this new information. “How long has this been a thing?” You bit back a smile.

“Almost two years now,” You admitted. He looked at you, his eyes pained, and a rush of guilt hit you like a train.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked. You shrugged.

“I didn’t know anything about him for a while,” You explained. “I only found out who he was for sure the day before yesterday.” Tony scoffed.

“The day he got arrested,” He said, almost absently. “Of course. That explains why you were so spaced out the whole time we were there.” He chuckled again. “You knew he was there.” Nodding in agreement, you sighed.

“Just-” You started, stopping abruptly to gather yourself. Tony watched you patiently. “I know you have to do this but…you know they’re not going to come quietly.” He nodded.

“I know,” He said.

“I know I can’t stop you, and I’m not going to make him not fight you,” You told him with a sheepish smile. “Just try not to kill him, okay?” Tony laughed, putting his arm over your shoulder.

“As long as he doesn’t do anything to make me want to kill him.”

Your eyes were locked on your own suitcase, where your backup plan was currently held. Tony always kept a spare on the jet, and in a moment of desperation, you swiped it after accidentally coming across it.

“Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.”

~~

_You there?_

Bucky looked at his hand, which was spider webbed to the ground. Rolling his head, he looked at Sam, who looked incredibly angry as he, too, was stuck to the hard floor of the airport hanger.

**Little busy.**

_I know. I can see you struggling._

It wasn’t until that moment that he felt the familiar tingling in his chest. He looked around rapidly, but saw you nowhere. A long list of questions ran through his mind. Where did you come from? How did you get here? And, most importantly, whose side were you fighting for? Selfishly, he was quite bias on the answer.

**How do you see me?**

_Just an overhead view. You guys just gonna lay around all day? It seems like a pretty poor time to get lazy._

Shaking his head, Bucky yanked his arm from the ground with one swift motion. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Sam’s head whip around to face him as he sat up and shuffled over towards him, yanking him out of webbing. As Sam got to his feet, Bucky looked around. It wasn’t clear what exactly it was he was looking for. Was it the Spider-kid, making sure he didn’t come back? Or was it to see where you were, and if you were safe?

**Where are you at?**

_I’m staying under the radar. I’m not supposed to be here. Just here to make sure you get to where you need to go._

An overwhelming rush of emotion filled Bucky as he let your words process. You were there for him, and only him. He wondered how hard of a decision this was for you to make. Tony was on the other side, fighting to keep him from getting away, and you were there doing the exact opposite. He couldn’t imagine the internal conflict that it caused you. A wave of guilt flooded him. Just another person that he was burdening.

_Don’t do that._

**Don’t do what?**

_Don’t make this about me. The only reason I’m here is for you._

**You shouldn’t have to be. What about Tony?**

_He knows everything now. So he should know that I can’t just stand by and let him do this._

“Are you just going to stand there or are we going to move?” Sam demanded, bringing Bucky out of his trance. Shaking his head, they both began to run through the hanger. Though he knew that he needed to focus, he couldn’t. It was all too much. And the idea of you being there, in the midst of the trouble caused for him, was causing neverending anxiety to pump through him.

**Define everything.**

He felt a sharp sigh rip through him.

_Everything as in everything, James._

His breath got caught in his throat as he ran. Admittedly, he wasn’t sure how to feel. On one hand, he was glad you finally felt comfortable enough to tell him the truth. But on the other, Tony was still fighting against him. And if you were there and helping Bucky, that means he was putting a wedge between the two of you.

_You’re doing it again._

**Shouldn’t you be doing something productive?**

_You call running being productive?_

**More productive than eavesdropping.**

_Don’t think where I can hear it then._

He shook his head as he and Sam got outside, a smile tugging at his lips. But now wasn’t the time. There was a war going on.

They got to Steve, who had rallied up the rest of the team. About a hundred feet away, Tony and his side were waiting, watching. Bucky eyed them. He couldn’t help but wonder how close of friends Steve had been with these people before this. He recognized Nat from their fight all those years ago, but he didn’t know much about the others. How much was Bucky destroying the relationships in Steve’s life?

“What do we do now, Cap?” Sam asked from down the line. There was a short, anticipating pause. No one broke eye contact with the group of people from across the way. Steve sighed slightly.

“We fight.”

Within seconds, everyone blurred together in combat, Bucky being tackled to the ground by T’Challa. It was a dance of punches, some landing, some blocked. Bucky used all of his force, and did his best to keep his head in the fight. Landing one on T’Challa’s chest, he was knocked to the ground. But he immediately got back up.

_You should focus less on how hard you’re hitting him, and more on hitting him fast._

**Speed isn’t really forte.**

A hearty laugh filled his head, and it distracted him enough that he almost caught T’Challa’s fist in the face.

_I’ll keep that in mind._

Getting T’Challa in a chokehold to stop him, Bucky took the opportunity to take a look at his surroundings, one hundred percent not looking for you. T’Challa struggled under his grip, but it was too strong for him to weaken it.

“I didn’t kill your father,” Bucky said in a strained voice.

“Then why did you run?” T’Challa demanded. Bucky didn’t have time to come up with a response as his arm began to repel from the suit the prince donned.

**Where exactly are you?**

_Security room, watching the cameras, keeping an eye on everything. I have my computer and some other stuff here in case I need to intervene._

**Why would you need to intervene? And how were you not stopped by security when going into that room?**

There was a short pause.

_I have my ways and reasons._

Bucky was so distracted by the vagueness of your response, that he couldn’t stop T’Challa from throwing him into a stack of crates and sending him crashing to the ground. He stood up just as T’Challa pounced at him, claws out and ready to mull. And he would’ve gotten him too, had it not been for Wanda, who threw him across the runway. Bucky took the opportunity to stay down for a minute, pain radiating through his back.

_Nap time?_

He snorted, shaking his head.

**I’m comfy.**

_You don’t look very comfy. Although I guess I’m not the one lying on the hard, concrete ground so I wouldn’t know how comfortable it is._

**I make do with what I have.**

_Well you might wanna get back up, Soldier. Because you’re forgetting that you’re in the middle of a battle here. And you have company._

Whirling around, Bucky looked up in time to see War Machine heading towards him, guns blazing. Bucky scrambled to his feet, blocking a lethal shot with his arm. The man in the suit got closer to Bucky, and he took the opportunity, launching himself at his feet and pulling him down to the ground. Rolling back to his feet, Bucky dodged another shot, but wasn’t able to miss the one that hit him in the shoulder. He stumbled backwards against the stack of crates. If he thought he was hurting before with his back, he was certainly hurting now.

_Do you need some help?_

He charged at War Machine, throwing punches at the mask. The first three landed, but the last one missed, and then he was being thrown five yards through the air. The crash landing on his back didn’t help his previous injuries. He rolled over onto his stomach, pushing himself back to his feet and getting back into fighting stance.

_You look like you need some help._

**I have it handled.**

_Getting your ass kicked is not having it handled._

**And what exactly would you do to help?**

His head filled with silence as he was attacked by War Machine once more. Before he knew what was happening, he was thrown to the ground onto his back, being held down by his throat. He tried to fight, but the grip was tight and the arm was locked. He pried at the fingers that squeezed his throat as he gasped for air. He was kicking his feet and fighting as hard as he would, but the metal suit wouldn’t budge.

In a blink of an eye, War Machine was gone, and Bucky was coughing as air filled his lungs once more. When he looked over, there was Iron Man holding back War Machine. His eyes narrowed in confusion, especially when he considered he could see another Iron Man flying in the air in the background, in the middle of combat with someone else. When Bucky turned back to this duplicate, he noticed that this Iron Man suit looked older, worn down.

**I…is that….?**

“James!” Your voice cried out, robotic and distorted. But still the voice that Bucky had been hearing in his head for two years now. War Machine’s head snapped in your direction, clearly recognizing your voice. “You need to go. Now!” He didn’t respond, instead just sitting on the ground and staring at you, dumbfounded.

“But…you…” He stammered, his hands facing upwards as he turned to the left and then back to you.

“Bucky!” Your voice was sharp, filled with anger. Before Bucky was ready for it, you flicked the mask open, your face somehow frantic and collected at the same time. Though he had seen your face before, this is the first time he had seen you with your eyes on him, that he remembered anyway. Your voice brought him out of his trance. “Your wasting your time. You need to go.”

Bucky stared at you for another moment before finally turning and running off to find Steve.

He only turned back once.

~~

You couldn’t remember a time when you had seen anything so beautiful.

The hallways were wide and vibrant, the sunlight practically reflecting off the floors. The windows went from the ceiling to the floors. The halls were winding, almost never ending. With your hands behind your back, you followed T’Challa through them quietly.

“Are you staying for long?” He asked you, in his rich accent that you couldn’t get enough of. Your shoulders rose and fell lazily.

“I haven’t decided yet,” You admitted in a quieter voice than you had meant to. He nodded understandingly, facing forward again.

T’Challa let you into Shuri’s lab. Wringing your hands anxiously, you looked around at the projects she had. Though you didn’t know much about either of them, apart from what Steve had told you, they were very welcoming and kind to you, and you couldn’t have been more grateful. Considering the history you had with T’Challa, which only included being on opposing sides during the battle in Germany, you were worried that they wouldn’t be so in favor of your visit. But Steve assured you that wouldn’t be the case.

“Are you here to visit?” A voice called out, and you turned to find Princess Shuri walking towards you with a soft smile on her face. For whatever reason, you were more nervous now, but it wasn’t because of either of them. All you could give her as a response was a nod. She pointed towards a door. “He is right through there. Take as much time as you need.” She stepped out of your way, giving you a single nod.

“Thank you so much,” You said just above a whisper, giving her a small smile before slowly making your way towards the room she had directed you towards. You could feel your heart pounding in your chest, but you had no idea why. It was a short distance, but it felt like it was taking years.

The door didn’t make a sound as you pushed it open, but you didn’t expect it to. The room was fairly medium sized, but with the tall windows and the lack of furniture, it seemed huge. The only object in the room was a large tube like pod in the middle. From your spot at the door, you could only see the back, which was a silver color. Your steps were meticulous; slow and careful. The pounding of your heart was so hard that it reached your ears, drowning out any noise that, if there were any to be drowned out. You cursed yourself over and over for being so anxious. This wasn’t going to be the reunion you wanted. You were more than aware of that.

Rounding the pod, your breath caught in your throat when your eyes fell on him.

He looked so peaceful. More peaceful than you have ever know him to be. You wondered if this was the most sleep he had gotten in the two years that you had known him. Despite it being a freeze, he didn’t look frozen. His hair was carefully pushed back from his face, and you could still see the remnants of injuries that he had received in Siberia.

Your fingers grazed the glass of the pod, your eyes never leaving his relaxed face.

_James?_

You had tried this often in the two weeks since he had gone under, knowing you wouldn’t get a response. But some part of you hoped that maybe you’d be surprised.

_Steve and I went back to your place in Bucharest and recovered everything we could find. A lot of your notebooks were left behind by the feds, I left them in the house T’Challa made up for you for when you wake up._

You looked around the room, feeling slightly stupid. It’s not like anyone could hear you, but one sided conversations always made a person feel a bit silly.

_I think Tony’s still mad that I stole his suit and showed up at the airport. I haven’t talked to him since it happened, but I hope he understands that I had to do it._

A sigh fell from your lips as you stared at him, shaking your head.

_I miss your quips. Who am I supposed to be mean to who will be mean back?_

Your fingers ran across the glass as you began to pace, turning to look out the window. The view of the sunset was just perfect, and you found yourself unable to rip your eyes away.

_I wish you could see this._

Stopping, you continued to stare at the pastel colors that painted the sky. Your head tilted slightly as you soaked it in.

_I guess you’ll be seeing a lot of them though. After you wake up and all. I just…wish you were here to see it now._

Turning back to look at him, you found that you were wringing your hands again. He hadn’t moved an inch, but you don’t know why you expected him to.

_I’m probably not going to stay. T’Challa had mentioned they’re thawing you out in a few weeks. I just…I think I should stay back for a bit. Let you heal and all that._

You bit your lip.

_I’m sorry if you had hoped I’d be here when you wake up._

Guilt filled your chest, as your words replayed in your head. Should you stay? Should you be there? No. As much as you wanted to be, you had to give him that space. He had to focus on himself for a while.

_I’ll be back, okay?_

You put your hand to the glass, tilting your head and smiling slightly at him. For split second, you considered saying what you wanted to say, but you didn’t think it would be fair to say it when he can’t hear it.

_I’ll see you soon enough, James._

Sadness flooded through you as you turned around. speed walking through the room before the tears had the chance to spill down your cheeks.

~~

“I’ll be back soon, Becca,” Bucky said to the young goat bleating at him as he closed the gate. He gave the animal a shocked look. “Don’t take that tone of voice with me, I have to go to the palace.” The goat bleated again, and he just waved her off. Although he only talked to the goats to amuse himself, he was glad there wasn’t anyone around besides the children, who were too far away to hear him. He didn’t need to give anyone any reason to think him crazy.

He had walked the pathway to the palace so many times that he could do it with his eyes closed. The scenery never failed to blow him away. Never in his life had he seen greener grass or taller trees. The magnificence of the country he had spent the last three months in was indescribable. But he didn’t love any part of it half as much as he loved the sunset at the end of the day. But for no particular reason, every time he saw it, he got a hollow feeling inside. Like there was something missing.

As hard as he tried not to, he found himself missing you more often than he cared to admit. Though you popped in every once in a while to see how he was doing, for the most part, you were pretty off the grid. T’Challa had informed him that you had gone on the run with Steve, Natasha and Sam, and were hard to keep track of. He also told him that you had mentioned that you were leaving him be to take care of himself, and while Bucky appreciated the sentiment, he felt that his progress would’ve gone faster had he still had you with him.

He approached the palace, his eyes on the ground as he went up the stairs.

_Hey stranger._

Head shooting up, he stopped walking in the middle of the stairway. An entire person slammed into his back, but he kept walking again and pretended it didn’t happen. He couldn’t contain his excitement at hearing from you.

**Hey! Where’ve you been?**

_Around._

He face palmed at the fact that he could feel your proud smile.

**Haven’t heard from you much lately, have you been okay?**

_Things have been hard, but we’re getting by. How have you been?_

Deflecting was something you had become good at recently, and it was starting to worry Bucky. It was like things took a one-eighty turn, and now he was the one desperate for you to open up while you were the one shutting him out.

**I’m good. I’m better than I have been in a long time.**

_I’m so glad to hear that, you have no idea._

Bucky’s pace was slow as he sauntered through the hallways of the Wakandan palace. He was soaking in his time with you. Whatever T’Challa had summoned him for would just have to wait. He was getting that feeling in the pit of his tummy, but he knew it was just because he was excited that he was hearing from you. Every single time you popped in, he got that feeling.

_Have you been eating? Sleeping enough? How’s the farm?_

**Slow down there. Pry much?**

_I’m just trying to check in with you, James._

He didn’t like it when anyone else called him James, but he loved it when you did.

**I eat three meals a day, sleep eight or more hours a night. The farm is good, I just got new feed for the goats and they love it. Happy?**

_Just let me worry about you in peace, okay?_

**You worry too much.**

A hand on his back startled him, and he turned around to find himself face to face with you. The furrow in his eyebrows disappeared as they shot up to his hairline.

“I worry just enough, thank you very much,” You said quietly with wide smile on your face. He wasted no time, throwing his arms around you and hugging you so tight. You wrapped your legs around his waist, and he brought one of his arms down under them to support you.

“What are you doing here?” He asked, his voice slightly muffled from being buried in the crook of your neck. Your body shook as you laughed, consequently shaking his as well.

“Shuri told me you’ve been doing really well,” You began to explain. “I was keeping my distance to give you time to figure yourself out.” Bucky felt the tips of your fingers work their way through his hair, sending shockwaves up his spine. “I’m sorry that I kinda left you in the dark on that one.”

“You should be,” He mumbled, his breath hot against your neck. You laughed. Silence hung in the air for a few moments as the two of you just held each other. Your hands found his cheeks and you pulled his head upward so you could look at him. A wrinkle formed between your eyebrows as you studied him.

“You look so good, Bucky,” You said quietly. “You’re like a whole new person.” For a second, he was almost offended, but he knew that you didn’t mean any harm by it. “I’ve noticed you haven’t been having the bad thoughts anymore too. I’m so proud of you.” He closed his eyes at the words, breathing in a staggered breath. He didn’t realize how much hearing those words would mean to him, especially coming from you.

“That means the world coming from you,” He said, so quietly that only you could hear it. He watched as your eyes began to brim with tears, and he cursed himself for getting emotional with you.

“I’m here to stay, Bucky.” You whispered. He felt a pang in his chest as he stared at you, even more shock filling his expression.

“But what about Steve and them?” He asked, hesitating before adding, “What about Tony?” You shrugged, putting your hands on his shoulders and running them up and down.

“The whole on the run, vigilante thing just isn’t for me,” You told him. “Steve knows it and he said he was okay if I left. T’Challa said I’m welcome to stay and he’ll make sure I won’t be found.” Closing your eyes, you sighed. “I write to Tony frequently, but I haven’t stayed anywhere long enough to hear a response.” Your shoulders went up. “Maybe I will now if I have a permanent address.”

“I just don’t get it,” He said, looking away from you for a few wordless seconds before turning back to you. “Why… ** _why me?_** ” You knitted your eyebrows together in confusion. “Why would you pick me over the man who raised you?” Lips pressed together, you considered his question for a moment before shrugging again.

“Because I love you. Because you’re it for me,” You told him. “You’re my soulmate. And I think in time, Tony will come to understand that. I love him to pieces, and never meant to hurt him. But he’s had his time with his soulmate, and it’s about time I’ve had mine.”

If a word to explain how elated Bucky was existed, it wasn’t in his vocabulary. The idea of you being there with him, always, brought him more relief and happiness than he had ever known. 

“I love you too,” He said gently. You brought a hand to his cheek, softly smiling at him.

“Remember when you tried to keep me away?” You asked him, your voice tender. He scoffed.

“What a dumbass I was,” He mumbled, shaking his head. You nodded in agreement, and he laughed out loud.

“Well now you’re not gonna be able to get rid of me,” You informed him. His head tilted slightly as his grip around you tightened slightly. The fact that your tone sounded slightly threatening was comical. Putting his hand over yours, he leaned into your touch.

“Well that’s fine,” He told you. “I’d be stuck with you either way, wouldn’t I? I don’t think I had a choice in this.” You shrugged, smiling lopsidedly.

“Well, it might as well be me,” You said, sounding intentionally snobbish. “Who else is going to tell you when you’re being a pompous asshole? Who else is going to keep you in line?” He huffed, looking up at the ceiling before looking back at you.

“No one else I’d rather have, doll.”


End file.
